jumping

There are so many things rolling around in my mind right now, demanding my attention. I have one or two songs that I have to put down soon before they fade, along with an anatomy lab midterm that I will not likely pass, a monster paper that I’ll be up all night finishing (although I’ve thoroughly enjoyed writing it),… I get my kicks from crisis living, where I create the crises by loading too much on my plate at once. It doesn’t help that I’m a perfectionist, at least with the things I really care about. Which makes me concerned about this lab midterm… haha.

So why is Jenna choosing NOW of all times to blog? I don’t know. I guess I need it. Need to let the paper with the looming deadline simmer for a little while before I can finish it. Need to get all these thoughts out in front of me.

I am mostly blue. ISFP. Recently, though, I have entered a phase of red, or at least the redder parts of me grabbing me by the shoulder and yanking me around to face them and their needs. I’ve started wondering who Jenna is underneath all the blue. And honestly, I’m not sure. I’ve also thought a lot about hoop-jumping (which we seem to do a lot here in college). The red loathes it. The blue grudgingly does it, but only because of social ties. What does Jenna want? I feel God asking me that question repeatedly. What does Jenna want? Jenna wants freedom. But freedom, I have realized, requires me to jump some hoops. The conclusion I met was that, plainly enough, if I really, really want to do something, jumping hoops won’t matter. And that conclusion is holding its ground, at least so far.

Freedom isn’t jumping off a cliff just to prove a point. I think freedom is some form of responsibility. I think true freedom is using my right to choose by holding fast to the things, experiences, activities, endeavors, people, dreams that make me MORE free. I want to fly. Defy gravity. That kind of thing. But there are rules to these.

Speaking of jumping off cliffs, I only have five more weeks here, and then I am moving on to the next phase of my life. This has been my reality for the past four years. So much has changed. I’m not the same person I was four years ago. Things definitely didn’t turn out the way I’d planned (thankfully). I feel good about my Plan. I feel ready to make the plunge. I like blank slates, fresh starts. I wouldn’t be as determined if there were no Plan. I think many people in my position have tried to keep a good thing alive by prolonging it, stretching it out, dwelling in nostalgia, the iron lung, life support with no brain activity, that kind of thing. Go watch Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium and tell me what you think about this afterwards. Life is all about moving forward, in spite of your hesitation, lack of preparation, imperfection, etc. I really think this is a HUGE theme of life. Don’t live in the future. Don’t live in the past. Make the present as good as you possibly can, and LOVE it. Don’t waste your time on frivolity. But give yourself to the opportunities and people in front of you.

Now to that paper.