dreams

I’ve been having some pretty spectacular dreams lately. And no, this is not due to a recent interest in narcotics. Last night, I was on a cross-country road trip with my family and I remember looking out the window of the car and seeing first rows and rows of big, leafless trees in front of a magnificent orange sunset, and then this green, green mountainside with fluffy, celestial sheep that could have been in a Pixar movie. I tried to take pictures as we drove by with my cell phone, but the 1.3 megapixels just couldn’t do the scenery justice. Then, on a completely different plane, I discovered that my old friend and jimbae player, Sarah, was actually this world-class middle-distance swimmer. I found this out because I was in this bookstore (perhaps the BYU bookstore) and I saw a book about her there, with close-up pictures of her swimming and everything. Then the other night, I was with my friend Katie in her cool attic apartment (which I have never seen before in real life, as Katie does not live in an attic) and she was showing me this book about Russian and other Slavic art and it was absolutely BEAUTIFUL. I remember the colors being very, very vivid, and how I just wanted to CRY the pictures were so pretty.

Anyway, I wonder if as I am pretty much starting my life completely over (at least superficially), these strange dreams are really my brain subconsciously trying to make sense of things and adapt. Think about (literally) jumping into the deep end of a pool after being out in the sun for a long time. You don’t know how cold the water is, you have only kind of learned how to swim over in the shallow end where you can still stand with your head above water, you’re comfortable and mostly dry at this point, but you know that regardless you have to jump. You can’t not. You know the feeling. The heat is making you uncomfortable anyway. So you jump.

…and THEN the rest of you has to catch up with that conscious, decision-making executive part. You feel the cool water on every square inch of skin and take into account your quickly diminishing supply of air. You realize that you’re sinking to the bottom. You can see the sunlight and trees through the wet, crooked lens. The rush of jumping, though, is still making you feel quietly, glowingly proud of yourself, and that is what you notice the most.

This is kind of where I’m at right now. Transplanting oneself is not a walk in the park. Hardly. I made the executive decision. Now I just have to get the rest of myself caught up with me.

jumping

There are so many things rolling around in my mind right now, demanding my attention. I have one or two songs that I have to put down soon before they fade, along with an anatomy lab midterm that I will not likely pass, a monster paper that I’ll be up all night finishing (although I’ve thoroughly enjoyed writing it),… I get my kicks from crisis living, where I create the crises by loading too much on my plate at once. It doesn’t help that I’m a perfectionist, at least with the things I really care about. Which makes me concerned about this lab midterm… haha.

So why is Jenna choosing NOW of all times to blog? I don’t know. I guess I need it. Need to let the paper with the looming deadline simmer for a little while before I can finish it. Need to get all these thoughts out in front of me.

I am mostly blue. ISFP. Recently, though, I have entered a phase of red, or at least the redder parts of me grabbing me by the shoulder and yanking me around to face them and their needs. I’ve started wondering who Jenna is underneath all the blue. And honestly, I’m not sure. I’ve also thought a lot about hoop-jumping (which we seem to do a lot here in college). The red loathes it. The blue grudgingly does it, but only because of social ties. What does Jenna want? I feel God asking me that question repeatedly. What does Jenna want? Jenna wants freedom. But freedom, I have realized, requires me to jump some hoops. The conclusion I met was that, plainly enough, if I really, really want to do something, jumping hoops won’t matter. And that conclusion is holding its ground, at least so far.

Freedom isn’t jumping off a cliff just to prove a point. I think freedom is some form of responsibility. I think true freedom is using my right to choose by holding fast to the things, experiences, activities, endeavors, people, dreams that make me MORE free. I want to fly. Defy gravity. That kind of thing. But there are rules to these.

Speaking of jumping off cliffs, I only have five more weeks here, and then I am moving on to the next phase of my life. This has been my reality for the past four years. So much has changed. I’m not the same person I was four years ago. Things definitely didn’t turn out the way I’d planned (thankfully). I feel good about my Plan. I feel ready to make the plunge. I like blank slates, fresh starts. I wouldn’t be as determined if there were no Plan. I think many people in my position have tried to keep a good thing alive by prolonging it, stretching it out, dwelling in nostalgia, the iron lung, life support with no brain activity, that kind of thing. Go watch Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium and tell me what you think about this afterwards. Life is all about moving forward, in spite of your hesitation, lack of preparation, imperfection, etc. I really think this is a HUGE theme of life. Don’t live in the future. Don’t live in the past. Make the present as good as you possibly can, and LOVE it. Don’t waste your time on frivolity. But give yourself to the opportunities and people in front of you.

Now to that paper.

MIA

I realized last night that idealisticrealism was kind of MIA this summer while I was at home and volunteering with the DREAM Project in the Dominican Republic. As this period of time was kind of paradigm shifting for me, I think it would be beneficial to write about it, at least for me, and since this blog is written for mostly selfish reasons, I’m going to do it. The following is a reflection paper I wrote after coming home from the DR:

My six weeks in the Dominican Republic didn’t turn out the way I had expected them to. I’m not sure exactly what my expectations were- maybe I thought that I would make a huge, visible difference in the lives of the kids I taught or see that same kind of change in myself as a result of the work I did. Actually, one of the biggest things I learned while in the D.R. is that any change takes time. If I want to see a change in myself or in my world, I have to be patient, dedicated, and consistent in my efforts, regardless of the opposition I will most definitely face. I must also be realistic and willing to work for small changes, which provide the foundation for bigger changes to come to pass. On that note, I feel that through this experience I have been able to find several “golden nuggets”, or universal principles that will further enable me to make foundational (and necessary) changes in my life.

Golden nugget #1: I can’t wait to put myself out on the table until I feel like what I have to offer is perfect. Success often comes to not the talented or completely prepared, but to those who are simply willing and ready to work. One of the first principles I became better acquainted with while teaching was that success often comes to those who just put themselves out there. Because of my less-than-perfect abilities in speaking and comprehending Spanish, I was initially pretty intimidated by the idea of teaching a health class to a bunch of Dominican teenagers. However, the best lessons I taught were those when I just let go of my inhibitions and spoke. They didn’t care that I didn’t say things perfectly. In fact, I often surprised myself at how competent and capable I actually was.

Golden nugget #2: We have to learn to see people as people and to not label anyone according to their superficial characteristics or quirks. The source of this one is a little bit harder to pinpoint. I think I gleaned it mostly from observing the interactions of our group, though. It’s also important for me to not base my self-identification on my talents (or lack thereof), accomplishments, physical appearance, or weaknesses. Really, we’re all just people. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Golden nugget #3: If I ever become famous, I don’t want to be like Yewande [Yewande was a musician who wrote a musical for the kids at camp to perform]. Yeah, she is ridiculously talented, but the people in Cabarete didn’t seem to care a whole lot about that. They just wanted to watch their kids. The entire time she ran her volunteers into the ground, and it sounded like towards the end she was on her high-maintenance high horse demanding a LOT more money than she should have from A NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION! Unbelievable. Even though most of that could have been unintentional (i.e. it didn’t really occur to her what she was doing or asking for), I still don’t ever want to be in the position where I am walking all over people because I’m careless or too busy thinking about my thing. It just felt to me like it was more about the music itself than it was about reaching the kids, although it did seem like they enjoyed performing in it. Maybe I’m just a jealous musician. But she definitely rubbed me the wrong way.

Golden nugget #4: There are some things that stay the same across cultures. I talked about this a little in my profile of Nico and how I felt like we had the same kind of influence on people because of our similar personalities. I was also able to find a common thread with the girls in the mujeres jovenes group, who I was initially the most intimidated by, mainly because of the language/culture barriers and my subsequent fear of being unable to be real with them. However, I remember one day in class when my eyes were opened to their nurturing instincts, grace, light, attention to detail, compassion, and poise, all of which are characteristic of women in general. It was a profoundly beautiful thing to be able to relate to them in that way; to recognize that in myself and see it in them at the same time. It gave me hope for their futures, regardless of their mostly rough backgrounds.

Golden nugget #5: Education=Power. I need to be more grateful for the opportunities that lie in front of me relating to my education. I discussed this somewhat in my profile of Yudi, one of my girls from camp. Why are we not in each other’s positions? How come she doesn’t even get the chance to graduate from high school, while I feel like I have messed around for most of my college career? I don’t have the answers to these questions. This kind of takes me back to the beginning, though. I think my problem is that I have been waiting around for the opportunity to make some big change that would affect a lot of people without ever taking the time to build its foundation. I haven’t been willing to put my heart into the small, important, preparatory changes that actually lead up to something like that because they didn’t seem like they were enough. And so, as I have sat on my own high horse, lots of golden opportunities to better myself have passed me by. This is the biggest regret I have from the past 21 years of my life. I guess it’s a good thing that I have one year left of my undergrad to start redeeming myself, right? I am confident that applying all of these principles I have been able to learn from my experience working in the Dominican Republic will help me to do that, and to be a better person in general.

“What are men to rocks and mountains?”

I had the opportunity this evening to go hiking in Sundance with a group of my favorite guy friends (I turned out serendipitously to be the only female representation; I hope they all felt privileged). I don’t know what it is about being out in nature and breathing the fresh air of the mountains that is so beneficial. It’s different from running, although I’m not sure particularly how in this context. Anyway, to paraphrase my friend John, my body really loved me for it. It was like I was reminding myself that I’m still alive. I’m pretty sure, though, that the combination of men AND rocks AND mountains made the whole trip worthwhile. It’s good to have good friends, eh?

Free advice

Golden moment of the day: Some friends and I set up a free advice booth in the Wilk. Don’t worry if you missed it; it should be reemerging around Friday next week, and more officially (at least in appearance) so. The best part was that it was initally my idea, which they totally jumped on when they realized I was actually serious. I love good friends, especially these ones. Quality.

So in my English class we were talking about the apology of Socrates. He’s kind of funny, going around examining people and then telling them how and why they’re stupid. I would get a little aggravated too if I were Athenian. But he said something that stuck out to me in Apology; that “the unexamined life is not worth living”. I think this is totally true. We need to be continually checking our motivations, works (we’re creating them whether we realize it or not), goals, etc. so we don’t get sucked under. The current of complacency is really strong, which is kind of counterintuitive if you think about it. So I have this goal chart in my room to keep track of my “vital signs”, i.e. how much time I spend in the scriptures, exercising, writing music, and writing in my journal each day. It helps me a lot. I think that everyone’s list of vital signs is going to be a little different. But I think that we each know what we have to do to keep our head above water.

Lewis on why we read

“Literary experience heals the wound, without undermining the privilege, of individuality. There are mass emotions which heal the wound; but they destroy the privilege. In them our separate selves are pooled and we sink back into sub-individuality. But in reading great literature I become a thousand men and yet remain myself. Like the night sky in the Greek poem, I see with a myriad eyes, but it is still I who see. Here, in worship, in love, in moral action, and in knowing, I transcend myself; and am never more myself than when I do” (C.S. Lewis from the epilogue to An Experiment in Criticism, 131-32, 137-41).

I want to be well-read someday so that I can relate to people in more ways than my own experiences can accommodate. An obscure fact about myself is that I collect books. I hardly ever read them, though; I just have piles and piles all set aside for that perfect time that never seems to present itself. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, eh?

Also in this selection, Lewis talks about the annihilation of the self through love, virtue, the pursuit of knowledge, and in the reception of the arts, i.e. how this annihilation actually results in an enlargement. How does this work? How can one find one’s life only after losing it? I used to think that being Christlike was catering to the people around me and therefore neglecting my own needs, but now I’m pretty sure that that’s not the case. How can I lose my life during such a selfish stage? How can I be Christlike when I am doing Spanish homework? Maybe I’ve been following an incorrect stereotype for who knows how long. The adversary can be sneaky like that; neutralizing all good desires into general, vague ideals filled with idleness (The Screwtape Letters talks specifically about this in like the first two chapters). I’m not sure about the answers to all of these questions. I do know, however, that we have to be in motion in order to grow and to be used by God to influence other people.

foundations 1

It is a terrible thing always to be waiting for tomorrow, always depending on tomorrow, always excusing our todays because we are sure that only in the future will we possess the things that will fulfill us.

Don’t wait for tomorrow. Don’t wait for the right job, the right house, the right salary, the right dress size. Be happy today. Be happy now.

George Bernard Shaw said, “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” Don’t worry about searching for who you are; focus your energies on creating the kind of person you want to be! You will discover that as you pursue that journey you will not only find yourself, but chances are you will be pleasantly surprised and proud of the person you find along the way .

-Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Lessons Learned in the Journey of Life,” Ensign, Dec 2000, 7.

balance

This post was written about a month ago but the issues discussed are still quite relevant.

I had an out of body experience tonight. For dinner I went with a friend to this pizza place and seriously almost started crying it was so good. I also had a legit cannoli for the first time ever… and it was a ton better than the majority of any of my firsts. Heh. I feel like a better person for having eaten there tonight. No joke. It’s kind of ridiculous how happy good food, good music (such as Jack’s new album), or a good run can make me, almost instantaneously.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about balance lately because around this time last week I realized how incredibly off-balance I was. Am. And have been since, like, September. But the only way I know how to approach the problem is to treat the symptoms. I don’t really have a good idea about how to figure out what the underlying issues are. This whole situation reminds me of a time when I was running track hard core and messed up my ankle but continued to train, which in turn resulted in serious injury to my knee that still affect me. I’m concerned that if I keep moving forward and don’t fix whatever kinks there are in my paradigm, I’ll dig myself into a deeper hole and create problems all around.

skiing

I went skiing for the first time in seven years a few weeks ago. This was a pretty significant feat for me because the last time I went skiing I almost killed a bunch of handicapped kids (not kidding). To say in the least, I was feeling slightly nervous when we got to the top of the mountain. Terrified would probably be a more appropriate word. But my friend, who is an amazing skier, thought that learning on the intermediate courses might prove to be more effective for me than trying to snowplow down the bunny hill all day. Thankfully, I’m a fast learner, and he’s a good teacher, so by time we had to leave, I was doing it like a pro, or at least like it really wasn’t my first time skiing in a while. I mention this not only because I’m extremely proud of myself, but more so because of some really cool principles I learned through it. One is that we have to make ourselves do hard things sometimes. It had been a while since I had felt as uncomfortable as I did when I was standing at the top of the mountain, looking down and remembering past experiences and acknowledging very acutely my apparent incapabilities. But you know what was cool? The face of the mountain, or the way I saw it, at least, changed with time as I learned control and proper technique. I think that it’s easy to address difficulties in life with a passive, roll-all-of-the-possibilities-around-in-your-head-to-no-end approach instead of the more active, figure-things-out-as-you-go approach. Of course your form won’t be perfect initially. But if you know how to move forward, then you should.

poppies

My sister and I flew to Arizona this past weekend to visit our uncle Joel and his family. It was wonderful, especially because we don’t get to see my mom’s side that often. Being with family brings a whole different feel than being with friends 24/7. It’s so much less transient, more concrete, more stable, more safe, almost. I felt at home with them. I love my family. While we were there, Joel, my sister and I went hiking in the middle of the desert. On our hike, Joel pointed out these yellow-orange poppies, along with other flowers, that were blooming in spite of less-than-ideal conditions. Now, to switch gears, in my English class we have been studying The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky. One of the main characters is Alyosha, whose home life was awful, who had some hard core natural tendencies towards sensuality, who experienced many difficult things throughout his life, and against all odds, was still able to create something poignant, influential, noble, beautiful with what he had been given and eventually become a respected spiritual leader for his town.Brigham Young said that “There is not a single condition of life that is entirely unnecessary; there is not one hour’s experience but what is beneficial to all those who make it their study, and aim to improve upon the experience they gain” (JD 9:292). I believe that regardless of our circumstances, even if we may be expected to throw our hands up in the air in defeat, we can decide to grow and flourish and then do so. This not only applies to bigger hurdles like disabilities and poverty, but also to situations we run into on a daily basis. When was the last time I said no to myself when I wanted to fold?

When should we fold, though? How can we know which hurdles we should overcome and which hurdles we have to carry around with us for the rest of our lives? How much should we push ourselves at the risk of losing balance? Which pace is the right one to take? Are we expected to be, for the lack of a better word, masochists in our pursuit of happiness and fulfillment?